1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. A man joins the fire brigade and after a week of induction away, he comes home to his wife.

    His wife asks him what it was like ?

    "Fantastic" he said ,"every thing is so well organized ."

    He tells his wife that they blow a whistle once and they all slide down the pole, then when they blow it twice they put on their uniform, and when they blow it three times they get in the truck and go to the fire .

    He suggests that they should try that it at home so he says to his wife "When I come home I will blow the whistle once and you will give me a big passionate kiss , then when I blow it twice you will run up stairs take of your clothes and jump into bed, and when I blow it three times we will make mad passionate love".

    This went on for about a week.

    Then one night the wife reaches over grabs the whistle and blows it four times.

    Tthe husband stops and and asks his wife "What the hell is the fourth whistle?"

    "We need more hose - you are nowhere near the fire"
     
    • Like Like x 1
  2. I texted my boss and said, "I'm on the train heading for the south coast now."

    “What the hell is this about?” He replied, “You knew full well to be here at 7 AM."

    "You tell me.” I replied, "You're the one who told me to be in Brighton early this morning."
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  3. A policeman was interviewing 3 blondes who were training to become detectives.

    To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. 'This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?'

    The first blonde answers, 'That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!'

    The policeman says, 'Well…uh…that’s because the picture shows his side profile.'

    Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, 'This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?'

    The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, 'Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!'.

    The policeman angrily responds, 'For God’s sake, What’s the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?!?'.

    Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, 'Now think hard before giving me a stupid answer. This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?'.

    The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, 'Hmm…the suspect wears contact lenses'.

    The policeman is surprised and speechless. 'Wow! I can’t believe it … it’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?'.

    “That’s easy,' the blonde replied. 'He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear'".
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
  4. SCOUSERS:
    Make sure you petition the government about its plans to raise the retirement age. It is very unfair of them to expect you to try avoiding work until you're seventy five.
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
  5. Bloody bike forums. You ask a reasonable question and you end up with problems. I went on a group for bike enthusiasts earlier and asked if any of them could suggest why my bike is sometimes a bit difficult to start and then misfires occasionally?
    TWO, not one, TWO of them came back almost instantly with identical replies. "Sh*t in your fuel tank."
    I did, and the bugger won't start at all now...
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
    • Useful Useful x 1
  6. My mate said when he woke this morning, there was a Thai lady with a large penis sitting on his knee.

    He swears he’ll never again visit a tattoo parlour after a session in the pub.
     
    • Thanks Thanks x 1
  7. ED6CBDB1-9E11-49C9-B9A9-8A9A12BD95D0.jpeg
     
    • Like Like x 2
  8. News update: A man was injured today after a collision between a cyclist and a combine harvester.

    Police say a man has been bailed..
     
    • Like Like x 3
  9. My mate Dave’s wife, Julie, packed his bags today after finding out that he’d had a one night stand with another woman.

    "I want you to go!" she screamed at him.

    "Please can we just talk about it first?" pleaded Dave

    "Go on then, I'm listening." she replied.

    “Well” said Dave as he sat down “It was the most amazing experience of my entire life."
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Funny Funny x 2
  10. A cowboy emigrated to Wales and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch

    Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  11. The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick.
    Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper.
    “Hello?”
    “Is your daddy home?” he asked.
    “Yes,” whispered the small voice.
    “May I speak with him?”
    The child whispered, “No.”
    Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
    “Yes.”
    “May I speak with her?”
    Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
    Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, “Is anybody else there?”
    “Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman.”
    Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”
    “No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.
    “Busy doing what?”
    “Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman,” came the whispered answer.
    Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
    “A helicopter,” answered the whispering voice.
    “What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
    Again, whispering, the child answered, “The search team just landed a helicopter.”
    Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”
    Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle….......
    “ME.”
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  12. I can hear the lesbian couple next door to me having sex every night.

    It's not easy, but if I turn the TV off and unplug the fridge, I can just about hear them.
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
  13. The Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild?

    Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

    Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

    But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

    'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

    So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

    A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

    'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

    The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

    Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

    'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

    'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

    The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood'
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Like Like x 1
  14. When I first started a support group for perverts with an ice-cream fetish, they came in their hundreds and thousands.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
  15. Jeremy Corbyn walks into a Bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ms could you please cash this cheque for me?"

    Cashier:"It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?"

    Corbyn :"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Jeremy corbyn, leader of the Labour Party.

    Cashier:"Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

    Corbyn: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

    Cashier: "I am sorry, mr corbyn, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

    Corbyn,"Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque."

    Cashier: "Look sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque."

    "Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?"

    Corbyn stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue."

    Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes , Mr Corbyn. ?....
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Funny Funny x 2
  16. The houses round here keep getting burgled and have all their crisps, biscuits, sweets, and cakes nicked.
    Police say it's the local snack heads.
     
    • Like Like x 2
  17. My mate Dave went to see his doctor yesterday and told him that his wife had sent him as he was feeling tired all the time and wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

    So the doctor gave Dave a thorough examination to try and establish what the problem was.

    After the examination Dave got dressed again and said "OK doctor, I can take it......Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

    "Well” said the doctor “in plain English..........you're just very lazy. In fact I’d go as far as to say you are bone idle”

    "Okay," said Dave "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
     
    • Like Like x 2
  18. Had oasis soup for lunch:

    It’s like normal soup, but you got a roll with it..
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  19. My mate Dave and his wife, Julie were driving through Wales on holiday.

    As they approached Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, (the Welsh village with the longest name in Britain) they started arguing about how to pronounce the name of the town.

    Having argued back and forth, they finally decided to stop for lunch at a fast food restaurant.

    At the counter, Dave decided to ask the blonde waitress, who was correct.

    "Before we order" said Dave "Could you please settle an argument between me and my wife? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?"

    The waitress leaned over the counter and said "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
Do Not Sell My Personal Information