Joke Page

A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town. While walking through the streets on a quiet Sunday morning, he came upon a large crowd gathered by the side of the road.

Going by instinct, the lawyer figured that there was some sort of auto collision. He was eager to get to the injured parties but couldn't get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."

The crowd made way for him.



Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

 

A man goes into the library and asks “have you got any books on pantomime “ the librarian replies “yes “”THEY’RE BEHIND YOU!”

Man goes into the library and asks if they’ve got any books on suicide the librarian says yes we have but we lent it out last week and the bloke hasn’t fetched it back

 

A wife found out that their family dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the Vet. The vet examined it and found that the problem was excessive hair in the dog's ears.

So he cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell her that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "N'air" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

She went to the local Chemist's and bought some "N'air" hair remover. At the till, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

She told him, "Don't worry - I'm not going to use it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "Also, if you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

She replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well, in that case, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

 

Two very active seniors (Jacob, age 92, and Mary, age 89), living in "The Villages" sheltered accommodation, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way, they pass a chemists. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter, “Are you the owner?”

The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”

Jacob says, “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”
The Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”

Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”
Pharmacist: “All kinds.”

Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”
Pharmacist: “Definitely.”

Jacob: “How about suppositories and medicine for impotence?”
Pharmacist: “You bet!”

Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer’s?”
Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”

Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”
Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”

Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”
Pharmacist: “We sure do.”

Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”
Pharmacist: “All types and sizes.”

Jacob: “Adult nappies?”

Pharmacist: “Sure, how can I help you?


Jacob: “We’d like to use this store for our wedding reception".

 

John Bercow has been found dead after attempting to rewire a plug.

Police said he apparently had no concept of neutral.

 

THE CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRLS & THE PENIS -
A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all die. They all arrive at heaven wanting to enter the pearly gates.
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.
St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "Then dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle with that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her arse in it"...