Joke Page

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a
particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of quid for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten quid and asked,
"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you spend this on bike parts instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't had a bike in 20 years!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
The man replied,
"That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and bikes."

 

A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her, and having an affair with the Maid.

So she laid down a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend & didn't tell the husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: "Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches", and went to the bathroom.

The wife promptly went into the Maid's bed. She switched the lights off.

When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but had his way with her....

When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: "You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?"

And then she switched on the light...

"No madam", said the Gardener.

 

Little Johnny comes in to school one morning wearing a brand new watch.

His best friend, little Benny, wants to know where the watch is from, so Johnny tells
his story: “I was coming from the bathroom to my bedroom when I heard a
strange noise from my parent’s bedroom. I walked in and saw them bouncing up
and down. Dad said I could have anything I wanted as long as I didn’t tell the
family. I asked for a new watch and here it is.”

Benny decides he wants one too, so night after night he listens outside his
parents’ bedroom for any strange noises and, sure enough, eventually he hears
some banging and groaning from the other side of the door. He walks in and
catches his parents in the act, so his dad offers him anything he wants to keep
quiet about the whole affair. Benny immediately says, “I want a watch.”

The dad sighs and says, “Alright, but go and stand in the corner and don’t
make any noise.”

 

Two men were walking through the woods and came upon a big black, deep hole. One man picked up a rock and tossed it into the hole and stood listening for the rock to hit bottom. There was no sound.

He turned to the other guy and said "that must be a deep hole...let's throw a bigger rock in there and listen for it to hit bottom." The men found a bigger rock and both picked it up and lugged it to the hole and dropped it in.

They listened for some time and never heard a sound. Again, they agreed that this must be one deep hole and maybe they should throw something even bigger into it.

One man spotted a big wooden railway sleeper nearby. They picked up the sleeper, grunting and groaning, and lugged it to the hole. They tossed it in. No sound. All of a sudden, a goat came flying out of the woods, running like the wind, and flew past the men and jumped straight into the hole. The men were amazed.

About that time, an old farmer came out of the woods and asked the men if they had seen a goat. One man told the farmer of the incredible incident they had just witnessed...they had just seen this goat fly out of the woods and run and leap into the big hole. The man asked the farmer if this could have been his goat?

The old farmer said "Nope, that can't be my goat...he was chained to a railway sleeper."