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Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

  1. A new sign has just gone up in the home dressing room at Old Trafford:

    'NO FALKLANDS JOKES: MAURICIO DOESN'T LIKE THEM'
     
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  2. Hope not...don't want a Spurs reject.
     
  3. [​IMG]
     
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  4. Is “buttcheeks” just one word?

    Or should I spread them apart?
     
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  5. There’s a Gilbert & Sullivan production on in London with a cast of entirely gay men:

    Pirates of Men’s Pants..
     
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  6. The police came to my door last night and said.. " Are you familiar with the letters HB"?

    I said " No i'm not "

    " How about LS "?

    " No "

    " What about JD "?

    I said " hang on a minute. am i a suspect or something "?

    They said " No, these are just our initial enquiries "!
     
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  7. If Prince Andrew is The Queen's favourite son, what the hell have the other feckers been getting up to???
     
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  8. Sorry to hear about PrinceAndrews car accident next month
     
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  9. I'm not...hope it's in a people carrier on a family day out.
     
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  10. My mate called the doctor as his wife was getting a fever or the flu.

    The doctor asked, "Is she hot?"

    My mate replied, "No. She's big & fat with bad breath & facial warts."
     
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  11. Tell Paul I’ll be back at 4

    John 3.15
     
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  12. [​IMG]
     
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  13. The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

    At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've such a good man and your motorcycles have
    changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

    Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, 'I want to hang out with God.'

    St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?

    Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

    God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?'

    Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

    God said, 'Ah, yes.'

    Well,' said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention.
    1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
    2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
    3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
    4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
    5. The maintenance costs are outrageous ."

    'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on a minute.'

    Then God went to his Celestial super- computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

    'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these
    numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.
     
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  14. After a good night on the beer with the lads back home in Wales, the local kebab shop was often mistaken for a pole dancing club..
     
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  15. Two elderly women were driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to a major junction. The traffic light was red but they just went on through.

    The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light. After a few more minutes they came to another junction, the light was red, and again they went through.This time, the passenger was almost sure the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things.

    She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they shot right through it.

    She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know you've gone through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us."

    Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh shit! Am I driving?"
     
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  16. My mate lost his job at B&Q after throwing paint at his boss:

    He was dismissed for gloss misconduct.
     
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  17. 3D7EF01A-FC2E-428C-9FDF-5C3E168226BB.jpeg
     
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  18. If you gets a link called 'free porn' dont opin it. It is a birus wich deactivates your spelcheck and garblis up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont does porn so I dint opin it.
    Plaese warm yu frends
    Peasl
     
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  19. Back in the day before all this digital technology we now have my mate Dave went to Jessops to pick up some "saucy photos" he'd taken of his wife.

    The assistant asked, "Would you like the negatives?"

    Dave replied, "Yes please."

    "Your wife has saggy tits and a fat arse." said the assistant,
     
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  20. My mate calls his wife Donna.

    That’s not her name, but he says that like a kebab she goes down well after 6 pints.
     
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