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Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

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  1. I got sacked as a bingo caller last night!!
    Apparently "A meal for two with a terrible view" wasn't the best way to announce the number 69.
     
    #61 Ghost, Apr 4, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  2. Bloke in a night club sees a big fat lass at the bar, he walks up and asks "have you got a pen love".
    She looked up and smiled and said "yes I have".

    "Well you had better f*** off back to it then before the farmer notices your missing".
     
    #62 Ghost, Apr 4, 2012
    • Like Like x 4
  3. Liontamer at the circus pulls his zip down and sticks his dick in lions mouth. 'Ooooh' says the crowd. '£10,000 for anyone brave enough to give it a go' says the liontamer. 'I'll dae it' says wee Paddy running into the ring. 'R u sure' says the liontamer 'its very dangerous!'

    'I'll gie it a go' says wee Paddy,
    'Mind u, I dont know if I can open my mouth as wide as the lion!'
     
    #63 Ghost, Apr 4, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
  4. Lost in the supermarket two old guys are pushing their trolleys around when they collide. The first says to the second, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The second old guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too, and I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The second old guy says, "Well, mine is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big breasts, and is wearing a mini skirt. What does your wife look like?" "Never f***ing mind her” said the first old bloke “let's look for yours."
     
    #64 Rudolph Hart, Apr 6, 2012
    • Like Like x 3
  5. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
     
    #65 Rudolph Hart, Apr 6, 2012
  6. Statistics say one in twenty of us live next to a paedophile.
    Not me, I live next door to a stunning fourteen year old with great tits........
     
    #66 Pierre 66, Apr 6, 2012
  7. What does a woman and a condom have in common?

    If they`re not on your knob, they`re in your wallet.
     
    #67 Pierre 66, Apr 6, 2012
    • Like Like x 2
  8. I was fingering this bird the other day when I suddenly thought to myself... Do pigeons actually like this ?
     
    #68 Gillan 900, Apr 6, 2012
    • Like Like x 6
  9. Whats the good thing about 29 year olds ?????









    There's 20 of them :wink:
     
    #69 Carbon749, Apr 6, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  10. Paddy gets a phone call from the police, "your house has been broken into, they've drunk all the beer and raped your wife"........ Paddy says "BeJesuuuuuusssss!! I can't believe they've shagged her after only four cans"
     
    #70 Katie, Apr 6, 2012
    • Like Like x 4
  11. 'I went into the bank the other day, and asked them if they would check my balance.... They pushed me over'

    Tommy Cooper
     
    #71 Ruffs, Apr 6, 2012
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  12. Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Marjorie notices something peculiar about Mabel's ear and says, '"Mabel, why on earth do you have a suppository in your left ear?"

    Mabel, surprised, replies, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulls it out and stares at it for a moment. Blushing, she replies, "Marj, sweetheart, thanks for letting me know. Now I think I know where to find my missing hearing aid."
     
    #72 Rudolph Hart, Apr 7, 2012
  13. Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from
    a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one
    of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie
    would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the
    castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated
    that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

    Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the
    entire ocean into beer!"

    The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the
    entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

    Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on
    the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.

    One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted.
    After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now
    we're going to have to p1ss in the boat."
     
    #73 Rudolph Hart, Apr 7, 2012
    • Funny Funny x 1
  14. Did you read about the bloke who dug up some daffodil bulbs thinking they were onions. He ate them with salad for his tea, but unfortunately he became very ill and was rushed into hospital. Due to the level of poison in his blood he`s going to be in hospital for some time. The good news is the Doctors says he`ll be out for Spring!
     
    #74 Major, Apr 8, 2012
    • Like Like x 2
  15. THE CREATION OF A PUSSY

    Seven wise men with knowledge so fine, created a pussy of their own design.

    1st was a Butcher, smart with with wit, using a knife he gave it a slit.

    2nd was a Carpenter, strong and bold, with a hammer and chisel he gave it a hole.

    3rd was a Tailor, tall and thin, using red velvet he lined it within.

    4th was a Hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fur he lined it, without.

    5th was a Fisherman, nasty as hell, threw in a fish and gave it a smell.

    6th was a Preacher whose name was McGee, who touched it and blessed it and said it could pee.

    Last came a Sailor, a dirty little runt, who sucked it and f***** it and called it a c***.
     
    #75 Greyman, Apr 8, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  16. I trapped off with a well nice looking girl the other night...after a few drinks at my place she asked if I wanted a blow job... well you cant refuse can you but I said to her..."be carefull love a few girls have gagged on that!" as she started to unzip me, she smiled and asked "why...is it so big"..."no" I replied...."I just never wash it!
     
    #76 Geo7863, Apr 8, 2012
    • Like Like x 2
  17. I was having sex the other night and the condom split! I was quite worried at first but then had to giggle as I realised how weird the puppies will look!
     
    #77 Geo7863, Apr 8, 2012
  18. As the coffin was being lowered into the ground,at the Traffic Wardens funeral, a voice from inside screams "im not dead, im not dead. Let me out!" To which the smiling Vicar says "too late pal, the paperworks already done!
     
    #78 Geo7863, Apr 8, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  19. I went to the pub last night, there was this fat girl dancing on a table. I walked passed and said "Fecking amazing legs" The girl giggled and said with a smile "Do you really think so" I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now"!!
     
    #79 Geo7863, Apr 8, 2012
  20. I was standing in a queue behind a fat woman with a huge arse when her phone started bleeping... A little boy behind her said "f**k me she's reversing !"
     
    #80 Gillan 900, Apr 8, 2012
    • Like Like x 8
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