Joke Page

Quasimodo gets home from work to see Esmeralda getting the wok out of the cupboard.

"Great" says Quasi "are we having a Chinese tonight then?"

"No" says Esmeralda "I'm just about to iron your shirts"

 

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong?

"Well." Replies Paul. "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes!" Replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well." Says Paul, straightening up. "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" Says Jeff. "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening!" Continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible!" Says Jeff.

"So I get to her door" Says Paul. "And I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

"I kicked her in the face".

 

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror ...

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size !!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

 

Due to the popularity of BBC's long running Geneology programme, they've decided to devote a series to Celebrities with Alzheimer's. "Who Do You Think You Were?" begins spring 2020.

 

A farmer named Angus in Kentucky was involved a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company .

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Angus.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Angus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Angus said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road.... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he
is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Angus' answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Angus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was drivin' her down the road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came thundering to a stop sign and hit me trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into the other. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident, a police patrolman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

'Now what the fuck would you say?

 

@749er is gunna be pissed at this one....

 

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice
of toast and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking but I'm not hungry - right now. It's this Viagra," he says.
"It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a
cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat? "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie or maybe a chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again.. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving....