Joke Page

Ever since Rob was a child, he had a fear of someone under his bed at night. So he went to a Psychiatrist and told him, "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you,' Rob said.

Six months later he met the Psychiatrist on the street.

'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A friend cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV".

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did the friend cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed - There ain't nobody under the bed now"

 

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbours' male dog while the neighbours were on holiday. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

She explained the problem to him, and the vet said,

"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing should make the male lose his erection and he will withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me," he replied.

 

BREAKING NEWS:

Harry and Meghan have contacted Tottenham Hotspur to get advice on what it’s like to live without a title.

 

There are 3 dolls in a man's life.
His daughter - Baby doll.
His girlfriend - Barbie doll.
His wife - Panadol.

 

How much space will Brexit free up in the European Union?




1 GB

 

I've got 3 kids six, four & one...silly names really...

 

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses £500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.' says Gallagher

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost £500, and is afraid to come home.'

'Well you can feckin' tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife.

'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.