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Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

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  1. The girls all call my mate 'The Terminator'.

    Not because he's muscular and tough, but he has an oozy nine millimetre...
     
    #8341 Rudolph Hart, Oct 22, 2020
    • Funny Funny x 1
  2. My mate Dave, bought his wife Julie, 5 litres of Castrol commercial truck lubricant for her birthday.

    Looking perplexed she asked him what it was...........

    “Lorry Oil - because you’re worth it.” he replied.
     
    #8342 El Toro, Oct 23, 2020
    • Funny Funny x 3
  3. I remember the power cuts of the 70s, and being sent by my parents to the off license where they had candles burning.

    I always thought candles was a strange name for a cat..
     
    #8343 Rudolph Hart, Oct 23, 2020
    • Funny Funny x 2
  4. Q. How does a German counterfeiter like his whiskey?

    A. On Xerox..
     
    #8344 Rudolph Hart, Oct 23, 2020
    • Like Like x 3
  5. I was watching Jurassic Park last night when I thought not only has my wife got a stupid name but she can’t reverse either.
     
    #8345 El Toro, Oct 25, 2020
    • Funny Funny x 2
  6. The blonde secretary in our office came in looking very pleased the other day.

    She had taken her car to a garage because "The oil in the engine doesn't reach the dipstick." She was delighted that the garage told her they had fixed what they reported was a 'worn out dipstick', and they had fitted a longer one for only £100..
     
    #8346 Rudolph Hart, Oct 25, 2020
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Like Like x 1
  7. How did the barber win the bike race?
    He took a short cut;)
     
    #8347 SabrinaF, Oct 28, 2020
  8. My mate Dave has just submitted an idea to Channel 4 for a programme where 3 aspiring figure skaters complete for a professional contract whilst the losers have to work in a local tip.

    Working title: One In The Rink, Two In The Stink
     
    #8348 El Toro, Oct 28, 2020
    • Like Like x 2
    • Funny Funny x 2
  9. Apparently you don't need a parachute to go skydiving.

    You only need a parachute if you want to go skydiving more than once.
     
    #8349 Rudolph Hart, Oct 28, 2020
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Useful Useful x 1
  10. I’ve just bought my epileptic brother a strobe light for Christmas...He’ll have a fit when he sees it!
     
    #8350 BIG M, Oct 29, 2020
    • Funny Funny x 2
  11. My dyslexic mate said his cock went black last weekend..
     
    #8351 Rudolph Hart, Oct 29, 2020
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Like Like x 1
  12. My mate Dave went to see his boss yesterday for a chat.

    "Can we talk?” said Dave “I think I have a problem."

    "A problem? he said “There is no such thing. We call it an opportunity".

    "Ok” said Dave “I think I have a serious drinking opportunity."
     
    #8352 El Toro, Oct 30, 2020
    • Funny Funny x 1
  13. Went to an Indian restaurant last night. After I had ordered, a little old lady came to the table & said:
    "You are very handsome, and you have lovely manners."

    Apparently she was a complimentary nan..
     
    #8353 Rudolph Hart, Oct 30, 2020
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  14. My mate Dave was driving a bit lively to work this morning when he was stopped by a traffic cop.

    He said to Dave, “You were going a bit fast there sir, what would have happened if you had suddenly come across Mister Fog”

    Dave, being the smart arse he is said, “Well I would have trod on Mister Brake of course”

    The policeman replied, “I will repeat the question sir, what would have happened if you had suddenly come across Mist or Fog”
     
    #8354 El Toro, Nov 5, 2020
    • Funny Funny x 1
  15. Turkey looking for more survivors beneath earthquake rubble.

    Might be better to use a dog...
     
    #8355 Rudolph Hart, Nov 5, 2020
    • Funny Funny x 2
  16. My mate Dave had to go to the hospital yesterday.

    As he drove into a space in the hospital car park a car park attendant approached Dave and said to him “I’m sorry sir but that space is reserved for badge holders only.”

    “That’s ok then” said Dave “I have got a bad shoulder.”
     
    #8356 El Toro, Nov 18, 2020
    • Funny Funny x 3
  17. One of our dogs has just won a place on a canine display team.

    It wasn't easy, and he had to jump through hoops to get it.
     
    #8357 Rudolph Hart, Nov 18, 2020
    • Like Like x 1
  18. Threw a ball for my dog last night.

    It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday & he looks great in a suit.
     
    #8358 Rudolph Hart, Nov 18, 2020
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  19. Russia has offered all western leaders a free dose of their covid 19 vaccine.
    This will be available from their respective embassies.
    100% effective in tests Covichok is ready now.
     
    #8359 hypermotbloke, Nov 18, 2020
    • Like Like x 1
  20. Q. How do you make a water bed more bouncy?

    A. Add spring water.
     
    #8360 Rudolph Hart, Nov 18, 2020
    • Like Like x 1
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