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Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

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  1. I bet his Rover didn't cost £2.7billion though... The whole company wasn't worth that much :D
     
    #8441 JR45, Mar 19, 2021
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2021
    • Funny Funny x 1
  2. My mate said his wife was missing their teenage son after he left for university, so they bought a cat.

    Perfect replacement: The cat also ignores them, smashes things & brings birds home in all kinds of states at all hours of night & day.
     
    • Funny Funny x 5
  3. I was in the kitchen when a flying insect came in through the window and exploded.

    I think it was a Jihaddy Longlegs.
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
  4. My mate received a picture with a text from his wife.
    The text read: ‘This is what’s waiting for you at home’.

    He’s not sure if he’s getting lucky or if they’re having chicken for dinner...
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
  5. Q. What do you call a very angry Chinese man?

    A. Foo Ming.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  6. Which one of the Spice Girls can drink Petrol?


    Geri can
     
    • Like Like x 1
  7. My mrs went missing a week ago, the police have told me to prepare for the worst so today I’ve been down the charity shop trying to get her stuff back
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
  8. If Cinderella's slipper fitted so perfectly, why did it fall off in the first place?
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
  9. You can always tell the gender of an ant by putting them in water

    If it sinks girl ant, if it floats buoyant
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
  10. I told my new girlfriend that I want to be a millionaire like my Dad.

    She said, 'Wow, your dad’s a millionaire ?'

    I said, 'No - he wants to be.'
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Like Like x 1
  11. My wife likes it when I blow cold air on her when she's too hot.

    Personally I'm not a fan.
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
  12. My mate Dave was working on a building site and the delivery driver asked him 'Why won't you sign for these elevators?'

    Dave said 'I'm not allowed to accept lifts from strangers'.
     
    • Funny Funny x 5
    • Like Like x 1
  13. Q. What do you call a posh vacuum cleaner?

    A. Hooray Henry.
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
  14. I went to see my doctor yesterday and after examining me he wrote me a prescription for dailysex.

    My wife said it’s a prescription for dyslexia.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
  15. Q. What's yellow & covered in marge?

    A. Homer Simpson's knob.
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
  16. An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the Nile, when the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock.
    The elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk and hurls him far into the jungle.
    "What did you do that for?" asks the crocodile.
    The elephant answers, "That turtle was the one that bit me almost fifty years ago."
    The crocodile says, "And you remembered him after all these years? Boy, you sure do have a good memory."
    "Yep," says the elephant ...






























    "Turtle recall."
     
    • Like Like x 1
  17. Who let a woman attempt a 3-point turn with a ship in the Suez Canal?
     
  18. A call has gone out for more tugs in the Suez Canal:

    Katie Price is on her way..
     
    • Like Like x 1
  19. The pilot of the cargo ship stranded in the Suez Canal has finally relented, and has phoned her husband to ask him to come & back it out for her.
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
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