Joke Page

I just found a £20 note outside the supermarket and I felt a little bit guilty as I picked it up, so because it’s Good Friday I thought to myself, “What would Jesus do?”.

So I turned it into wine...

 

I saw a microbiologist today.

He was much bigger than I expected.

 

Our local TV weatherman has reacted angrily after being sacked for giving too many gloomy, frosty weather forecasts.

No more mist and ice guy.......

 

I broke off my engagement with my first ever girlfriend because of her obsession with counting.........

I often wonder what she’s up to now…

 

A few years ago my mate Dave and his wife Julie used to work in the circus.

Whilst working at the circus they decided they’d like to adopt a child. However the social worker allocated to their application raised doubts about their suitability to adopt because of their circus life.

So firstly Dave and Julie showed them photos of their beautiful 50’ motorhome, which was equipped with a nursery.

The social worker was still doubtful about the education that the child would receive as they’d always be travelling but Dave replied "We understand your concerns and we've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer studies."

“I also have doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.” said the social worker

"Our nanny is an expert in pediatric welfare and diet." replied Dave

Finally the social worker was satisfied.

"What age child are you hoping to adopt?" asked the social worker

"Well” said Dave “It doesn't really matter, so long as they fit in the cannon."

 

My mate Dave got a taxi back from town yesterday and the driver asked him "Do you mind if I put on some music?"

"Not at all" said Dave

"Kiss alright?" said the taxi driver

"Let's start with the music and then see how we feel” replied Dave

 

A successful lawyer buys a brand new Ferrari. He parks in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he gets out, a truck passes too close and completely tears the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabs his cell phone, dials 911, and within minutes a policeman pulls up to take a report.

Before the officer has a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer starts screaming hysterically. His Ferrari, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally winds down from his ranting and raving, the officer shakes his head in disgust.
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "All you care about is money and your possessions."

The lawyer unleashes a stream of obscenities before the officer can calm him down.
"Hear me out...see, you are so worried about your car, you didn't even notice that the accident took off your left arm."

"Oh my god!" screams the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"