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Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

  1. People who eat Cadbury's chocolate are always optimistic.

    Because they are glass and a half full people....
    • Funny Funny x 1
  2. My mate Dave got fixed up with a girl with eczema last week.

    Cracking Tits!
    • Like Like x 1
  3. A local restaurant is celebrating their re-opening by offering 3 courses of badger.

    Must be a sett menu...
    • Like Like x 1
  4. I recently got rid of all my Dusty Springfield records and memorabilia, but now I just don't know what to do with my shelf...
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  5. Went to the shops yesterday & a clown held a door open for me.

    I thought it was a nice jester..
    • Funny Funny x 1
  6. My mate Dave’s dad, Dave Snr who’s 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes, so seeing some for sale at the golf club shop, he bought them.

    He was so delighted with his new shoes, he decided to wear them around the house to show his wife, Margaret. Walking proudly into the kitchen he said to his wife "Have you noticed anything different about me?

    Margaret looked him over and replied, "Nope”

    Dave Snr stormed off into the bathroom, undressed, and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for his new golf shoes.

    Again he asked Margaret "Notice anything different NOW?"

    Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "David, nothing’s different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.”


    “Nope. Not a clue", she replied.


    “Well…..” said Margaret "You should have bought a new hat."
    • Funny Funny x 6
  7. My mate's lad asked if I could help him with an essay for school about the occupation of Palestine.

    All I could say was that to the best of my knowledge, I thought it was fishing...
    • Funny Funny x 2
  8. Went to the seaside today. It was appalling. A couple were having a domestic, a Policeman turned up and beat the shit out of them. The man dropped their baby. Then out of nowhere a crocodile showed up and nicked the sausages.
    #8528 chrisw, Jun 13, 2021
    Last edited: Jun 14, 2021
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Like Like x 1
    • Love You Love You x 1
  9. My mate has just formed a band and they've called themselves Prevention.

    He reckons they're better than The Cure..
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  10. My mate Dave's wife, Julie, went to the doctors yesterday.

    "What seems to be the problem Julie?" asked the Doctor.

    "Well doctor, this is a bit embarrassing" said Julie "I think something is terribly wrong. I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina."

    The Doctor asked Julie to lay on the couch and take off her underwear so he could take a look.

    After a cursory examination the doctor chuckled and said to Julie "Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas"
    • Funny Funny x 2
  11. The wife says she wants to eat something really exotic & wildly expensive on our wedding anniversary:

    She's having a giraffe...
    • Funny Funny x 1
  12. Gareth Southgate has confirmed that Harry Kane won't have to self isolate as he didn't get anywhere near the ball or a Scottish defender all match
    • Funny Funny x 1
  13. Just took my sock off and it's full of chocolate, biscuit and raisins: I think I may have a club foot...
    • Funny Funny x 1
  14. My mate Dave was telling me how he hated backgammon and draughts.

    I said "Hate chess too?"

    "Don't even get me started on that high-speed rail project." said Dave
    • Funny Funny x 1
  15. The Highways Agency have replaced the reflective studs with real diamonds in the cat's eyes on a road near us.

    It's now a jewel carriageway...
    • Funny Funny x 1
  16. I said to my mate Dave “I’ve not seen you all day, what have you been up to?”

    “Well my old boss passed away so I went to the funeral to honour him.” said Dave, “I bought a 20 year old bottle of Scottish and poured it over his grave……….Just after I’d filtered it through my kidneys”
    • Funny Funny x 3
  17. One of the blokes down the pub is a magician, but he's lost his magic:

    Now we just call him Ian..
    • Funny Funny x 2
  18. I know one Yorkshire guy and he won’t even wear elasticated underwear because they give.
    • Dislike Dislike x 1
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  19. Watched some donkeys playing football the other day.

    Wasn't much of a game, as they just kept hoofing it up the field.

    Nuno seemed quite happy though...
    • Funny Funny x 1
  20. Just thinking back to the 1970s when I went to see Dr Hook.

    Most painful prostrate examination ever.
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