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Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

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  1. Reuter's News: John Lennon's eldest son Julian is selling several pieces of music history from his personal collection.

    I had a look, but the good stuff was already gone and now it's much too late for good buys.
     
    #8941 Rudolph Hart, Jan 26, 2022
    • Like Like x 2
  2. Finally found a way to stop the wife from sucking her thumb... I drew a cock on it!
     
    #8942 El Toro, Jan 27, 2022
    • Funny Funny x 3
  3. My mate is a dyslexic pervert... He sends women pictures of his duck!
     
    #8943 El Toro, Jan 27, 2022
    • Funny Funny x 1
  4. I was in Tesco earlier, and I said to the checkout lady, "This has got today's date on it love. Can I get something knocked off?"

    She said, "Do you want the fucking newspaper or not?"
     
    #8944 El Toro, Jan 27, 2022
    • Funny Funny x 2
  5. Newsflash: School girl's message in a bottle found after 25 years:

    'Help! Please help! Jimmy Savile & Prince Andrew are approaching!'
     
    #8945 Rudolph Hart, Jan 27, 2022
    • Funny Funny x 1
  6. A bloke just offered me forty grand a year to work for him at the brittle bones society…

    I snapped his hand off!
     
    #8946 El Toro, Jan 27, 2022
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  7. Someone has collapsed on the luggage carousel at Heathrow Airport...

    Medics at the scene report they are coming round slowly!
     
    #8947 El Toro, Jan 27, 2022
    • Funny Funny x 2
  8. My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again. I don't understand the sudden change of heart, but who am I to ask. I'm so lucky... I mean, first I win the lottery and now this!
     
    #8948 El Toro, Jan 27, 2022
    • Funny Funny x 3
  9. A man driving down a country lane ran over a cockerel. He knocked at a nearby farmhouse door and a woman answered.

    “‘I appear to have killed your cockerel. " He said. "I’d like to replace it."

    The woman replied, "Please yourself, the hens are round the back.”
     
    #8949 Rudolph Hart, Jan 27, 2022
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  10. In preparation for my new career as a ventriloquist, I bought a suitcase, a dummy, a stool and a glass of milk.

    Got all the gear.
     
    #8950 El Toro, Jan 29, 2022
    • Funny Funny x 1
  11. Yesterday I went into the local police station and saw a man with 3 stripes on his arm & a trifle on his head.

    He was the custardy sergeant..
     
    #8951 Rudolph Hart, Jan 29, 2022
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Like Like x 1
  12. It’s so annoying when someone says the name of a song and it’s stuck in your head the rest of the day...

    Like a Rhinestone Cowboy!
     
    #8952 El Toro, Jan 30, 2022
    • Funny Funny x 1
  13. Scientists say that it may be possible to live on Mars…

    I tried it for a month and put on two stones and now I'm diabetic!
     
    #8953 El Toro, Jan 30, 2022
    • Funny Funny x 2
  14. An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?"

    "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"

    "How about something to eat?"

    "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"

    "What about some peanuts?"

    "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"

    Frustrated, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's?"
     
    #8954 El Toro, Jan 30, 2022
    • Funny Funny x 2
  15. Yesterday lunchtime I saw the miserable old woman who lives at the end of my street, in our village shop looking at the chiller cabinet.

    "What's your favourite type of sandwich?" I asked her

    “Probably cheese" she replied

    I said "Cheese isn't a type of sand"
     
    #8955 El Toro, Jan 30, 2022
    • Funny Funny x 1
  16. A man was attacked by a group of mime artists yesterday.

    They did unspeakable things to him...
     
    #8956 Rudolph Hart, Jan 30, 2022
    • Funny Funny x 2
  17. My mate Dave has recently developed and launched a new fragrance for shy, introverted people…..…

    He’s called it "Leave me the fuh cologne!"
     
    #8957 El Toro, Jan 31, 2022
    • Funny Funny x 1
  18. Prince Charles has arranged a pedicure for Prince Andrew.

    To see if he can stop him chasing young girls...
     
    #8958 Rudolph Hart, Jan 31, 2022
    • Funny Funny x 2
  19. Got stopped by the police who asked why I was carrying a 9ft book…

    "It's a long story!" I replied
     
    #8959 El Toro, Feb 1, 2022
    • Like Like x 2
  20. A penguin walked into a bar and said to the barman, "Have you seen my brother lately?"

    The barman replied, "I'm not sure, what does he look like?"
     
    #8960 Rudolph Hart, Feb 1, 2022
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