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Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

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  1. I bought a new perfume for the girlfriend called chloroform, but she doesn't like it.

    She said it made her sleepy and her bum sore.
     
    #81 Gillan 900, Apr 8, 2012
    • Like Like x 3
  2. A dad cooks Deer for his kids tea but doesn't tell them what it is.

    He says "try and guess what it is, here's a clue. It's something your mother calls me" Little Jonny says to his sister "don't eat it - it's a f**kin nob !"
     
    #82 Gillan 900, Apr 8, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  3. A man finally makes his fortune and is having his dream house bulit. As he talks to the architect on how he wants the house built he says, 'See that tree there, don't cut it down because under that tree I made love for the first time.'

    The architect says he understands the sentimental value of the tree and he will design the house so that the tree isn't harmed.

    Then the man says, 'And you see that tree over there, I don't want it cut either, because her mother stood there and watched as we made love.'

    The architect could hardly believe his ears,'That's incredible, what did her mother say?'

    To which the man replies,'Baaaaaa.''
     
    #83 Rudolph Hart, Apr 9, 2012
    • Like Like x 2
  4. Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site.

    Paddy says to Murphy 'Im gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!'

    He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!'

    Murphy watches in amazement!

    The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home.'

    So he leaves the site.

    Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

    'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.

    'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.
     
    #84 Rudolph Hart, Apr 9, 2012
    • Like Like x 2
  5. Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....

    The first man married a Filipino. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

    The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

    The third man married a girl from Scotland. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he passes water!
     
    #85 Geo7863, Apr 10, 2012
    • Like Like x 3
  6. My sex addiction therapist told me this morning she was impressed with my progress, that I no longer see women as sexual objects, and that I recognise their needs and I'm sensitive to their inner feelings. Sounds to me like she wants me to smash her up the a...!
     
    #86 Geo7863, Apr 10, 2012
    • Funny Funny x 1
  7. A guy comes home from work late, fixes a drink, goes into the bedroom and finds his wife in bed with another man.
    The wife says "can you fix me a drink as well"?
    Hubby says "yes, but what about him"
    Wife says "no he's ok he's teetotal"
     
    #87 chickenman, Apr 10, 2012
    • Funny Funny x 1
  8. Mick & Paddy made a nice thing out of taking tourists out fishing in their boat. One day Mick told Paddy about a little problem.

    "We've got this party booked for next Wednesday and they're all women. You know we've got no toilet on the boat. How the hell do we explain that to them?"

    Paddy wasn't worried at all.

    "There's nice ways of saying these things. Like you can use the expression 'evacuate yourself."

    "Well Paddy, how'd it be if you told 'em?"

    On the Wednesday morning Mick and Paddy were briefing their female charges and Paddy announced:

    "There's one other thing, ladies. If you want to evacuate yourselves, you'll have to p1ss over the side."
     
    #88 Rudolph Hart, Apr 10, 2012
  9. In the Sleepy Village of Erbumm just outside the town of Tillet in Hertfordshire is the local pub, The Cock Inn. The landlady is Lynda Lykes... The Postman has a laugh with every letter he delivers.....

    Lynda Lykes
    The Cock Inn,
    Erbumm
    Tillet,
    Herts
     
    #89 Geo7863, Apr 10, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  10. I bought my lady a new fragrance called chlorophorm. She doesn't like it says it makes her sleepy and gives her a sore bum.
     
    #90 Ghost, Apr 10, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  11. A Duck went to the supermarket to buy some groceries and was asked if he was paying cash. He replied: " No, just stick it on my bill.
     
    #91 Major, Apr 11, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  12. #92 Chris, Apr 11, 2012
    • Like Like x 6
  13. Someone had far too much time on their hands putting Nigella's dialogue together. Very good tho'
     
    #93 Ghost, Apr 11, 2012
    • Agree Agree x 1
  14. #94 JC749, Apr 11, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  15. Angela Merkel arrives at passport control at Athens Airport.

    "Nationality?" asks the Immigration officer.

    "German," she replies.

    "Occupation?" he asks.

    "No, just visiting for a few days."
     
    #95 DrDuke, Apr 13, 2012
    • Like Like x 5
    • Agree Agree x 1
  16. Murphy asks Paddy "what ringtone have you got?"

    Paddy said "i've never really looked, but probably light brown"
     
    #96 Geo7863, Apr 13, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  17. I was having a crap at work when the guy in the next cubicle said, "Do me a favour.. There's no toilet paper in here. Could you pass me some?"
    "Of course mate," I replied, sliding a few sheets under the partition.
    There was a moments silence as I waited to be thanked.
    "Some unused ones would have been nice."
     
    #97 Geo7863, Apr 13, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  18. Me and my girlfriend have been together so long now that we finish each other's sentences.




















    Usually with the phrase, "Oh please shut the f**k up."
     
    #98 Geo7863, Apr 13, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  19. A man walks into the doctors and says 'Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a moth.'

    The doctor replies, 'Well I think you need a physciatrist not a doctor, why did you come to me?'

    'Well' the man replies, 'I know. I was on my way there but your light was on.'
     
    #99 gliddofglood, Apr 13, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  20. #100 He11cat, Apr 14, 2012
    • Like Like x 7
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