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Joke Page

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Rudolph Hart, Mar 19, 2012.

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  1. What men would do.....

    What men would do if they had a vagina for a day:

    10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

    9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

    8. See if they could finally do the splits.

    7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

    6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

    5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

    4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

    3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

    2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

    1. Finally find that damned G-spot.
     
    #101 Rudolph Hart, Apr 14, 2012
  2. What women would do...

    What women would do if they had a penis for a day:

    10. Get ahead faster in the corporate world.

    9. Get a blow job.

    8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

    7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

    6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

    5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

    4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

    3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

    2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

    1. Repeat number 9......
     
    #102 Rudolph Hart, Apr 14, 2012
  3. Newly wed couple had only been married for two weeks.

    The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

    "Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

    "I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

    The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries, Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

    The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes lollypop... but at the bar... you know... they have frozen glasses..."

    He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"

    She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

    The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

    "You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out several dishes of different hors d'oeuvres chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, cheese sticks etc.

    "But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

    "You want dirty words, cutie pie?

    "LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR F****N BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHER F****N SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, AND YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"

    ...and they lived happily ever after.
     
    #103 Geo7863, Apr 14, 2012
    • Funny Funny x 1
  4. :)

    432122_253891314699758_205332729555617_545687_867362822_n.jpg
     
    #104 Geo7863, Apr 14, 2012
  5. Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by St. Peter at the
    pearly gates.

    "In honor of this holy season," St Peter said, "you
    must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into
    heaven."

    The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a
    lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

    "You may pass through the pearly gates" St Peter said.

    The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them
    and said, "They're bells."

    St Peter said "you may pass through the pearly gates."

    The third man started searching desperately through his pockets
    and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
    St.Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,
    "And just what do those symbolize?"

    The man replied, "These are Carol's."
     
    #105 Rudolph Hart, Apr 14, 2012
  6. Lol the only thing I would love to do if i had manly parts for the day is per standing up :)
    Because finding loos ate a pain in the bum especially when I was on A1 and it was dark and I was broken down :(
     
    #106 He11cat, Apr 14, 2012
  7. Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.

    She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.

    Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

    The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'

    'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.

    The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'

    'I am a Chelsea fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.

    The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Chelsea fan?'

    'Because my mum is a Chelsea fan, and my dad is a Chelsea fan, so I'm a Chelsea fan too!'

    'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Chelsea fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'

    'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.
     
    #107 Geo7863, Apr 14, 2012
    • Like Like x 2
  8. The last request

    The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.
    The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, YOU’RE the great Lone Ranger" ...
    "In honour of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."
    "Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"
    "What is your FIRST request ???'
    The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
    The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
    Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
    As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
    The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
    "You have a very fine and loyal horse",
    "But I will still kill you in two days."
    "What is your SECOND request???"
    The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
    Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
    As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.
    Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.
    She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.
    The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
    "You are indeed a man of many talents,"
    "But I will still kill you tomorrow."
    "What is your LAST request ???"
    The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse ..... alone."
    The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

    Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, listen very carefully you f------g idiot!!!!
    FOR...THE... LAST... TIME... I SAID ....

    'BRING POSSE'
     
    #108 Rudolph Hart, Apr 15, 2012
    • Like Like x 4
  9. Here`s one for the ladies :biggrin:

    Married couple in their sixties are visited by a fairy who grants them both a wish. I want to travel around the world with my husband said the wife, 2 tickets for luxury cruise magically appear in her hand. Husband said sorry love my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me. So the fairy waves her wand and the husband becomes 92.

    The moral of the story. Men who are ungrateful b**tards should remember faries are female.
     
    #109 Major, Apr 15, 2012
  10. I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend, "That's us in 10 years".

    He said "That's a mirror, you ass!"
     
    #110 sburrows87, Apr 15, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  11. A man walked into a supermarket in the UK and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy had to ask the manager about the matter.

    Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

    Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?" "New Zealand, sir," the boy replied. "Why did you leave New Zealand ?"the manager asked. Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."

    "Is that right?" replied the manager,"My wife is from New Zealand !"

    "Really?" replied the boy,"Who did she play for?"
     
    #111 Geo7863, Apr 18, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  12. An 18 year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months.

    Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

    Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father and the mother and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.

    I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a 2, 000, 000 bank account If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a 4, 000, 000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and 2, 000, 000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the girls father who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

    "You shag her again."
     
    #112 Geo7863, Apr 18, 2012
    • Funny Funny x 1
  13. I looked at my naked body in the mirror the other day and thought... " I am going to get thrown out of this shop any moment now"!
     
    #113 Geo7863, Apr 18, 2012
  14. What`s green and turns red at the flick of a switch?

    Kermit in a liquidiser.
     
    #114 Major, Apr 22, 2012
  15. Mickey mouse sat across from his lawyer,his lawyer said"Mr Mouse,you cannot divorce Minnie just because she has buck teeth."Mickey replied"I didnt say she had buck teeth,I said she was fu**ing Goofy"
     
    #115 keith916, Apr 22, 2012
  16. People often say to me ...."Oi, get out of my garden."
     
    #116 Littlebert, Apr 23, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  17. A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking,
    the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and
    eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool
    table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in
    his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you
    see what your monkey just did?"

    "No, what?"

    "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"

    "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight.
    Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

    The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and
    leaves.

    Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a
    drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing
    his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it
    up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.


    Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and
    eats it.

    The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did just now?"

    "No, what?" replied the man.

    "Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and
    ate them!" said the bartender.

    "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in
    sight, but ever since he had to crap that cue ball out, he measures everything first now."
     
    #117 Rudolph Hart, Apr 23, 2012
    • Like Like x 2
  18. lol! :)
     
    #118 470four, Apr 23, 2012
  19. Englishman, Scotsman,Irishman and Welshman are called to stand in an identity parade in a rape case.

    The girl walks in to identify the suspect and the Irishman steps forward and says

    "yes thats her! She's the one!"
     
    #119 stickywicket, Apr 23, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  20. Thank you, I have to admit it made me laugh so much I copied it and put it on another forum
     
    #120 Katie, Apr 23, 2012
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