COUCH POTATOES. When eating Pringles, conserve energy by removing them from the tube two at a time but only taking half a bite. Hey Pesto! You are eating the same amount of Pringles for only half of the arm movements.
GCSE STUDENTS. Don't worry if you fail your Religious Education exam. Simply ignore the result and assign yourself an A grade, telling anyone who objects that it is your solemn belief that you passed.
FELLAS. Stand outside an Ann Summers shop dressed in a security guard's uniform with a smoke detector in your pocket. When a fit bird walks out, simply press the smoke alarm test button and voila! A free grope!
SUBMARINE designers. Why not put any water pipes on the outside of the sub? That way, if they burst, there is no harm done.
Never tie your shoelaces in a revolving door My fave as recounted by Barry Cryer if memory serves, when as a newbie to broadcasting and requesting some advice from Humphrey Littleton. Humph replied My boy, Never play the trumpet after taking laxitives John
Men: Recreate the excitement of a Soho peep show for free by going to a nudist beach wearing a burkha.
Don't drive round screaming 'I'm a stupid twat'. Keep the window closed, save your throat, just drive around with your foglights switched on all day, everyone will know what mean!
What's the difference between Ironman and Ironwoman?? Ironwoman is a command.... Baah ha ha ha ha etc.....
BMW DRIVERS. When approaching a traffic jam on a motorway, feel free to do a last minute swerve into the lane I'm in, halving the braking distance I was allowing myself and putting the horses I was transporting on their fucking knees.
