Women do not want any of the following as gifts: WD40 The latest 70” flat screen that “we can share” a fitness DVD an electric toothbrush any book with a title such as 1,000 Recipes For The Freezer anything that screams “Here’s How To Be a Better Wife!”
SMASH the entire contents of your home with a sledgehammer before going away on holiday. Then any would-be burglars who break in will get a taste of their own medicine.
BEAT the credit card companies at their own game. Run up a massive bill on your credit cards and then kill yourself before your statement arrives, thus avoiding repayment.
BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.
MANCHESTER UNITED fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance
Adventurous lovers. Sprinkle talcum powder on each other's rings, then lie on the floor and fart up in the air to send each other sexy 'bum-smoke signals' across the bedroom
Have all your shits at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
MICRA DRIVERS. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like fucking dodgem cars, so may as well look like one
Apart from on a weekend, I found the petrol costs far outweighed the cost of bog paper and it became a false economy...
Top Tippers, get your former Prime Minister "John Major" name by simply calling yourself after another name for a toilet and then an army rank. I got Bog Brigadier.
