Whilst floating through the morning news, I saw a story based in the states. I am semi retired now and have said when fully retired in 4 years and 11 months, I will retire to Scotland or the States but I think I might have found my forever home A small town in Missouri called Uranus. It's a small place with only 25 people, it has a few business's, one is a fudge factory, another is a bar that has axe throwing nights called uranus axehole and the latest venture is the local paper that has been opened called the Uranus examiner. Some of the marketing for the town to get tourists in has seen charms such as these, "The Best Fudge Comes from Uranus", "72 Miles to Big Fun in Uranus", "Uranus Brake Repair—Keeping skid marks out of Uranus" Surely a town with that much humour and self deprecation is an oasis in a desert for any British sense of humour https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Uranus,_Missouri
This parcel was thrown over the fence this morning or last night but it's ok as there is only a small breakable oven inside
I was sat on a packed bus this morning when an old woman nearby said to me, "Excuse me, why don't you let this heavily pregnant woman laden with bags of shopping sit down." "Why the fuck should I? " I replied, "I've paid my fare the same as her - besides, she can sit down when we get home."
Dear Neighbour Hi, George, this is Richard, next door. I've got a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months & have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm telling you in this text, & I can't live with myself a minute longer without your knowing about this. The truth is that, when you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day & night. In fact, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently & I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology & forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage, & I'll pay you. Regards, Richard NEIGHBOUR'S RESPONSE: George, feeling enraged & betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, & shot Richard dead. He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink & sat down on the sofa. George then looked at his phone & discovered a 2nd text message from Richard. 2nd TEXT MESSAGE: Hi, George, Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I assume you figured it out & noticed that the darned Spell-Check had changed "wi-fi" to "wife." Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all.
I was on the motorway today doing 70mph (of course) . In the outside lane a Lambo was probably doing 90mph? with a Y reg vauxhall vectra right up his arse tucked under the rear wing .
Twice today the driver for our car factory tours asked if we wanted water. The first time, my husband Paul said yes...driver says sparkling? still?...Paul says yes...driver says SPARKLING or STILL? After a short pause Paul understands and says still. Second time this afternoon the driver asks if we want water Paul says, sure I'll have a still water then quickly changes his mind and says, No I'll take a fuzzy water this time.
